No Joking matter … It Only Hurts When I Laugh
“…So after gazing into the sparkling blue eyes of Baba Ram Dass, dreaming of Maharishi, and touching the feet of Ananda Mayee Ma I knew that merging into the New Age is our only hope!”
https://iskconnews.org/iskcon-sannyasis-gurus-gbcs-and-bbt-leaders-meet-in-india,6868/
Wisdom of the Ages become Spiritual Half-Truths:
How to Be a Guru
Become a guru … it’s so quick and easy,
Just a few fancy quotes and a grin that’s cheesy.
Then hold out your palm to get it greasy.
Speak of love and forgiveness and always give thanks …
That you’re not with devotees stuck in the ranks,
And your accounts are swelling in dozens of banks!
Thanks to The Journey Home, ISKCON’s all-knowing Mayavadi gurus, wise corporate gurus and witty motivational gurus have all become wildly popular. They are a veritable Order of the Happy-sounding Cliché (the O,H.C.) unto themselves. And you, too can be a member of the O.H.C. by coming up with a banal half-truth, posing for a smiling picture, and photo-shopping in a picture of flower, a karmi doing yoga at the beach, a bird or whatever meaningless image you’d care to share.
Anyone who invested a few rupees into ISKCON’s guru business just ten years ago would be a millionaire today. And it is so simple … just recite a few cleverly worded phrases, show off a toothy grin while rolling your eyeballs in ecstasy. People will come running to offer their services, give you airline tickets and lay bags of free cash at your feet.
Just find a rectangle like this one online.
Then insert a photograph off the internet like some attractive yoga lady at the beach or some athletic guy on a mountain top (crop his car out of the picture). Then think up some trite sayings that does not offend anybody. Cut and paste your grinning likeness (with your eyes rolling in ecstasy) into the mix and you have joined the elite club, the O,H.C. If you can’t come up with anything that is sufficiently wise sounding, you can always plagiarize. Members of the O.H.C. dig up old trite saying for re-cycling all the time (or steal verses from the shastras and claim them as their own) which is one reason that they never criticize each other. So for starters, as a new member of the O.H.C. club who is just beginning your career as a wise guru, you can start with any of the following meaningless truisms:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Yesterday was the last day of your life before today.
Tomorrow will be another day in your life unless you croak today
I am here now because I was there then.
Be free as a bird but don’t stand under their tree.
Be green and recycle—before someone recycles you
Have you hugged your pet cockroach today?
Radhanatha even has an entire book of meaningless maxims and you can purchase your copy of his Nectar Drops here: https://www.flipkart.com/nectar-drops/p/itme2yaapt6hfnft
For more ideas and inspiration you can visit Radhanath’s divine wisdom site: http://www.radhanathswamiquotes.com/tag/love/
Forgive me for saying this Radhanatha, but have you learned to forgive yourself all the way to the bank?
http://www.radhanathswamiquotes.com/tag/love/ (from his site)
Purport: “How to get free work and web-seva out of people.”
This one is not from Radhanatha’s site –
http://umodakart.blogspot.com/2013/06/portrait-with-inspirational-quote.html
“Love all men as God, even if they hurt you …”
Errr, Neem Baba … since when is the business of God to go around and hurting people? And. will you be abnle to love God if he sends His Sudarshan Chakra to cut off your head?
Here is a motivational guru who constantly speaks about speaking less.
Retreat? For one who is so immersed in the Holy Names, why does he need to run to a “Retreat”
For all guru wannabes: If you would like to see your half-baked clichés accepted as eternal truths, just include a picture of the ocean (or a flower, or the sun) like ISKCON gurus Romapada and Sacinandan Swamis have done here.
Is this plagiarism or what? Because this quote has a ring of familiarity to it. Hmmmm … let’s check Bhagavad-gita As It Is 2.22
Herewith Gadadhara Pandit dasa Brahmachary has re-invented himself into the all-knowing “Pandit Das”. evotees who morph themselves into all-knowing motivational gurus like you, Pandit Das, are some of the real difficulties for the genuine followers.
That is, if a person—or rather an impersonalist—who dismembers the Supreme Personality of Godhead can be considered kind! (Notice Radhanatha’s “body halo”)
From his site: http://www.radhanathswamiquotes.com/radhanath_swami_quotes/radhanath-swami-on-kindness/
Are you listening ISKCON’s social welfare gurus? How much would these Mayavadis appreciate someone cutting off THEIR arms and legs?
Mantras--$35.00. Lessons in Guru-smiling also $35.00. Today only get both for $50.00.
Now you can sacrifice your $50.00 and you will get to become $50.00 poorer.
And to become a real live “mercy representative of the LORD” for all your cheap followers of Lokanatha Swami, just place a giant picture of yourself with a teeny tiny picture of the actual spiritual master in the far corner.
“As many living entities are there, there are that many Krishna…”
‘Scuse me, Loka, ! Like … say, w-h-a-a-a-t … ?
True, Sadh Guru, nothing is more incredible than Radhanatha’s The Journey Home—except for the incredible stupidity of the GBC who promotes this trash.
Oh Yeah … what are you supposed to do when a serial rapist (see Part One of this series) says to” honor yourself because you are God”? Which God to rape next, I suppose?
Sounds like a good plan, Sivarama, but how about some of those loving relationships—the ones you gurus like to talk about—coming down from the ivory tower of your ISKCON GBC?
A real horror story is imagining you are a guru and then finding out that you don’t really have a clue about what a guru is. “Because the mind is a horrible thing to watch.”I wonder if there is a movie theater in hell where the Yamadutas force you to listen to this guy’s mental speculation for eternity.
Are you listening to Mother, ISKCON gurus? “Do not PRETEND to be a guru. Do not PROMISE to liberate disciples with your corny clichés. Do not DREAM of becoming the next acharya which you with your promotion of Mayavadi rubbish like The Journey Home are obviously not.
GURUS NEEDED
Become an ISKCON Guru Now and Get a Free Rolex!
That’s right, boys and girls, Prabhus and Matajis. ISKCON is looking for some new gurus. And as a special incentive we’re giving away absolutely free and without obligation free Rolex watches to the first 1,000 approved gurus.
Let’s face it, the tired old set of gurus has become bogged down with disciples who don’t actually believe in the process of Krishna consciousness. They’ve worked hard at being gurus but it’s exhausting to cut the guru profile 24 / 7 with no chance to chill out. Another problem is that many of their so-called disciples just want to chat online and take selfies with the gurus—even when they are not even good enough to be real Mayavadis!
Now this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. We’ll pass the buck onto you so that you can find out what sort of karma you get when disciples mix your foot wash with strawberries and serve it out with the Midday Meal programme in some Mumbai slum!
Zones Available
There are lots of wonderful places on earth where preachers are needed. Zones include the floating island of plastic the size of Texas in the Pacific Ocean. And what about those artificial islands China is building off the Philippines? Why, the opportunities are practically unlimited. And don’t forget we need a guru for our new Mayavadi Land Project right here in Mayapura.
It’s fun. It’s easy. Apply today! And Good luck to all you guru wannabes!
Here’s All You Have to Do!
Just visit your local ISKCON Center and fill out the 98-page Guru Application Form (#GAF-98b) in triplicate and in jet black ink. Then make an appointment to hand it over to the third under-assistant to the first clerk of the Regional Secretary for your zone. Once the Regional Secretary has made sure your application is in order, it will be delivered to the Minister of Applications himself or herself, who represents your local GBC’s filing division and who approves it for your GBC to reflect on. Once your GBC has considered your application, he will decide whether you should have been allowed to apply in the first place due to your being some merely insignificant and ambitiou fringie.
Once your application passes this stage, the GBC will present your paperwork to the spokesperson of the Mayavadi Land Steering Committee who will request that all the members read and initial your forms at a future power lunch. Then, when your application process is complete, you might be one of the lucky ducks selected to spin the ISKCON Guru Fortune Wheel which will tell you whether you qualify as the next real life ISKCON Paramhamsa Guru.
And be sure to inquire about any applicable entry fees.
Classes at Mayavadi Land
At ISKCON’s new Mayavada Gurukula., after morning studies of The Journey Home, the students are introduced to a new understanding of the goal of life.
Giving Back: Becoming Better ISKCON Motivational Sannyasis
Bhakta Bob and Bhaktin Jane with the young Bhaktas Billy,Elinor and Lauren.
Hi! I’m Bhakta Bob and this is Bhaktin Jane and my family. Let’s face the facts, householders are all a bunch of stupid people who need the advice of celibate priests to be happy. Over the years my wife Jane, my devoted family and I have been truly benefited by the wonderful advice of ISKCON’s sannyasi and brahmachari “Relationship Counselors.” We hang on every YouTube “Nectar Drop” of Radhanatha Swami and his clones like Gaura Gopala dasa, Shivarama Swami, Pandit Das and Sachinandana Swami.
Before hearing the sagacious advice of these wise renunciates, Jane and I had planned to take up skydiving over the ocean—without parachutes! However, since learning “Yoga for Better Sex” from the teachings of swamis who are glorified in Radhanatha’s The Journey Home, we are now happy and welcoming a new child each year. Sharing true love is fun thanks to ISKCON’s wholesome and celibate Relationship Gurus.
Now to give back and repay the generous celibates who are experts on the nature of women, and who are so interested in counseling dull-witted married men like us, Bhaktin Jane and I are offering our workshops on becoming better sannyasis and brahmacharis. Just put down your copy of The Journey Home for a few hours, and sign up today for the entire 500-hour video presentation entitled “You Can Do It, Swamiji!” The price is just a moderate $2999.99 which is but a very small fee for ISKCON’s wealthy “Relationship Swamis.”
Here are just a few of the topics that Bhaktin Jane and I cover:
-Right hand in the kitchen—left hand in the bathroom: This will be especially appreciated by the motivational sannyasis who never cook but eat only the sumptuous meals on silver plates that they are served right off the stove.
-Laundry and ironing: A recent survey has found that no motivational guru swami in ISKCON has ever washed his lungi. Jane and I offer a great refresher course for swamis eager to learn new things like how to switch on and heat up an iron.
-Washing dishes: Yes, it certainly is a chore to clean up after eating all that palak paneer, puris and those samosas, but sooner or later you will have to learn how to do it—and Jane and I recommend that you learn these techniques before you turn 70!
-How to sweep your room: The broom is a wonderful invention that many motivational swamis may not be aware of. This 3-hour video presentation teaches
(1) Learning which end of the broom goes up,
(2) How to hold the broom for various sweeping techniques,
(3) And it even has a bonus feature on using a dustpan.
-Taking out the Garbage: Yes, generating trash is one of life’s genuine dilemmas. Garbage is a fact of life and in this video Bhaktin Jane and I show the swamis who, those who may not have heard about trash cans and the disposal of waste, everything they need to know about this necessary chore of life.
-Life without massage: A recent survey by Stanford University has found that many swamis have lost their minds when forced to forgo their daily massages. This 4-hour video presentation will show you how to tackle those difficult days when your brahmachari masseuse is out romancing his future dharma-patni.
-Differences between men and women: Of course we know that you Motivational Swamis are expert in this field, but just to review, this 12-hour presentation discusses salient features of the fair sex that interest all of us.
-Telling time without a Rolex: A recent study has revealed that 92% of all ISKCON Motivational Guru Sannyasis think that they can tell time only by looking at their gold Rolex. This video explores other means of finding out the time of day through wall clocks and other ingenious devices.
-Guest appearances: Our video presentations also include guest appearances from other joyous householder families who have found family warmth and cheer from the daily classes of ISKCON’s Motivational Gurus. You’ll delight at the wisdom of celebrating Christmas, Easter, New Year and birthdays which we know you already agree with.
Sign up now and become a better ISKCON Motivational Guru sannyasi today!
Celebrating Christmas, New Year and Happy Birthdays: one of our bonus presentations from Bhakta Hugh, Bhaktin Barbara and their “yoga boys” Tony and Jerry.
And thanks to ISKCON’s Motivational Relationship Gurus for your invaluable wisdom which continues to inspire us:
Pandit Dasa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBa8gTu0jWs
Radhanatha: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6fBWFLdqSk
Gaura Gopala Dasa:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGI16cZmgug
Sivarama Swami: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaejM8492fA
Caitanya carana dasa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAf2xBk0LlM